Nutters, part one

ONCE in a lifetime a girl meets that most extraordinary of all men - a man that makes their heart race, turns them to a quivering mess with one look, and send shivers down their spine - a perfect candidate...

...for being stuck in a straight-jacket.

Yes the time has come when we breach the topic of nutters - known outside the UK as psychos, freaks and subject to a restraining order.

Portia, Delphine and I managed to blag our way into a 999 night at our local nitespot the other day with the intent of bagging a firefighter - I mean who hasn't thought seriously about setting up a pitfall trap outside a fire station in a bid to catch a tasty hero-type - and were ready for a night of fun.

And with such hedonistic glee in mind we started working the room.

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Now through my job I deal with a lot of police officers, so I had plenty of people to talk to in a platonic way (with the exception of one - with whom I did the ever-so subtle exchange of phone numbers dance - perhaps I will update you later...). My friend Delphine was in a similar situation and set about bagging the work-mate of one of her pals in blue.

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Portia however had a different tac and within around 15 minutes had managed to corner a 6ft 2in tall Adonis who works in a police force away from our area. They were getting on like a house on fire and, after not so much time had elapsed, ended in a hot embrace.

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Now Portia is a lady and manage to entangle herself from Adonis for long enough to arrive home respectably alone.

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However the next day she found herself exchanging texts with Adonis with increasing frequency asking her fo a date. Well, Portia was free that night so agreed to meet up.

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The next day Portia was bouncing around with all the days of spring. I looked at her and knew instantly.

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"So you got some then?" I said with a raised eyebrow.

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She had indeed, she told me, but was now rather worried as Adonis had started asking her when he could meet her son Bob and whether she had told Bob's dad tim about him.

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She also divulged that she had found out that Adonis had had the name of the last girl he dated put on his arm in a huge tattoo, he was not yet divorced and was generally showing signs of being the guy who falls in love too fast.

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Now the reason I have labelled this post Nutters , part one, is that there are too many nutters to cover in one post so this only deals with the guy swho FILTF - here on referred to as filfs.

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A filf can be identified relatively easily:

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1. High frequency of calls and text messages from the off

2. Antecedent examples of too many over-heated relationships

3. Still in touch with highly aggressive ex-girlfriends

4. Likely to have past history of irrational relationship behaviour - eg moving in with someone within weeks of meeting

5. Will ask commitment from you within the first three dates

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I'm not really sure how you can avoid them though because, behaviour apart, they are entirely indistinguishable from normal people.

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But as you can see it is this kind of behaviour that marks out filfs as bona fide nutters. And also, worringly, leaning towards more typically female behaviour. However this often expands and, depending on the behaviour of the person at the centre of their affection, can either be entirely dangerous or thoroughly pitiful.

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Of course as best friend it is my duty to carefully point this out to Portia and give gentle words of warning, which she admitted did concern her a little.

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But, with mere plans of a bit of out of uniform fun with thin-blue-line totty, she told me: "Oh well - at least when he's stalking me at least he'll be nice to look at..."

Suze x