Celebrating singledom

Weddings. A joyous occasion or a chance for your smug mate to rub your nose in her apparent happiness?

I'm of the feeling that most marriage events fall by a ratio of 50 per cent at either side of the fence. Some lucky people, dammit, are lucky enough to marry for love and they therefore engage in and take part in their nuptials in honest and warm way that god intended.

Some, including my mother's "friend" (perhaps rather frienemy) Auntie Jenny, marry for sheer smugness. The woman, being of unattractive face and mind and unusually perturbing dimensions of body and arrogance, insisted on a full kit and caboodle white (hah!) wedding, with full lengthy church ceremony, over-expensive and plush reception, obligatory Caribbean fantasy honeymoon and vile groom.

Needless to say this was not a marriage of love it was a marriage of convenience (she rich mean cow, he poor, vain and infidelous) and therefore lasted about as long as his patience (a miserably amusing four months).

I'm thinking that really Auntie Jenny would have been much happier if, instead of dreaming about a fantasy white wedding, she had concentrated on celebrating herself - not celebrating who she could ensnare.

My new workmate Eleanor, who recently split from her long term-boyfriend, and I discussed this today as we derisively snorted at ads in the local paper for a wedding fayre.

"Maybe we should organise a 'single and fabulous' show," she mused. "It would be much more interesting, and there would be pulling potential."

"You know," I replied. "You could be on to something there - we could organise it somewhere phenomenally decadent - like Mustique - no smug couples allowed. Exhibits could include non-wedding "I'm single and amazing" gowns, venues for "career success" celebrations and confectioners offering "I refuse to have a wedding" cakes."

You see that's the thing. There's no celebration for those of us unlucky enough to have not found genuine, warm love.

We're even singled out for pity parties - you know the ones "Poor you. Don't worry you'll find someone soon" accompanied by a chorus of "he's out there" (one I find particularly offensive because, really he might not be) as if being single makes you inadequate, less than a person.

It's written that some of us will be eternally alone on the relationship front - that could be my fate - but why should I mourn that? Yes having a partner is wonderful - and I am honestly happy for all of you who have found one - but there is a whole world of other experience and emotion out there.

Some of us may choose careers, vocations or friends instead - and we shouldn't have to feel bad for that and we shouldn't feel forced into bad relationships to be considered real people.

So from now I'm starting to plan my non-wedding celebration day - aka my "I'm 26 and not afraid birthday party".

I may even treat myself to a "my life is plenty engaging" ring too.

Suze x

Diets

Following the triumph of the Chinese buffet date the other night, Tush Push Johnny dropped me an email to tell me about his progress on the Atkins diet.

Johnny told me he'd managed to shift six pounds of the stone he plans to lose before going to a stag weekend in Las Vegas by gorging himself on cheese, bacon and steak.

God knows what the point of imparting that piece of information was. Hardly whispering sweet nothings is it?

Anyhow, having gotten over the initial bepuzzlement the remark had caused me, I replied "good for you" and left it at that.

But it did trigger a thought in my mind about the nature of diets.

It's always the way that on any fad diet you will end up excluding something from your diet. It is usually the thing that you indulged in to get yourself fat in the first place (with the exception of Atkins of course).

And when it, inevitably, comes to a crashing halt the first thing you go for is the one thing that you've been trying to avoid. And it doesn't matter if it's the best quality dish going - you'll eat the cheapest, most god-awful quality version of your craving you can find if necessary.

I took this thought a step further - what if relationships are like diets. When you're in the happy state of being with someone you gorge yourself on love. But often it goes sour and the first thing you do is decide to withdraw it from your emotional diet.

Many months before all the various encounters I chronicle on this blog I thought I'd found a love in Alfie. Alfie was warm, loving and kind at first - a bit chipped from the experiences of his early troubled family life and time in the army - but nevertheless sweet.

But on closer examination and after many months of a relationship I realised he wasn't just chipped, he was broken and there was nothing I could do to fix him.

I think he felt this and so he started making up stories to try and induce my pity and keep me around. But then I caught him out. The love soured and all I could do, in the best interests of both of us, was to just walk away.

In the months after I put myself on a man free diet. But after a while I started to get cravings. I started wanting something more.

Then the Simon infatuation started. It was like dieters who dream about cream cakes, see cream cakes every-where.

Fortunately the cake was outside of my reach - on someone else's plate - and thankfully the craving subsided long enough to allow me to regain my focus, but then random cream cakes started springing up every where to tempt me.

Then the ultimate cream cake turned up - Luke - a cream filled, chocolate covered do-nut with sprinkles. I managed to gorge myself on it for a while, even though it turned out to be a poor quality bun made with faux cream, but then realised it was all gone.

Now I'm back on the diet. Can I have as much success as Johnny? Or will I find the right slice of high-quality chocolate fudge cake that will keep me happy for the rest of my days?

We'll have to see...





Suze x

The inkblot test

Today I took the Inkblot test at the Tickle tests website.

My summary was as follows:

"Your Unconscious Mind Is Most Driven by Love.

"Your instinct to love and be loved is rooted very deeply in your subconscious and affects most of the decisions you make in life – whether you are aware of it or not.

"You inspire people to experience their true feelings of love and act kindly towards others. You also value your personal relationships more than most people. Your unique capacity to love may be greater than those around you, which means you may have more to give in relationships than your friends or romantic partners do.

"Your psyche is very rich; the more you learn about it, the more you will understand who you really are..."

Now that is a good test - explains an awful lot...

Suze x

Normal service resumes

Portia and I have a significant problem.

We're after the same man.

This is an insurmountable problem we feel we can only resolve by calling the Jeremy Kyle Show (a UK equivalent of Jerry Springer - except the aforementioned Mr Kyle is ruder and more opinionated).

Could be a bit of an odd episode though - me on a chair on the left, Portia on the right and a seat with a DVD case in the middle.

Of course I forgot to mention that the man at the centre of the row is the 'Incredible Instant Adoring Boyfriend' DVD that Portia purchased as my Christmas gift.

It's a fascinating DVD which tends to make comic assumptions about women's needs - with the 'Incredible Instant Adoring Boyfriend' telling you things like "You're an amazing driver", "Why bother with a diet, you don't need to, you're amazing! Here have some cake" and finally "Will you marry me" - all in all amusing but quite atrocious.

It got me wondering though how much easier it would be if you could order an instant boyfriend who was on your wavelength from the word "Go".

For those of us who aren't destined to meet a fate-picked soul-mate it would be much easier if we could skip the awkward "feelings" talks, the embarrassment of expressing unrequited emotions and ultimately heartache.

For example if Luke and I could have spoken the same language from the off how much easier would that have been?

I mean neither Portia or I have the time or the energy to try and work out the meaning of men and their thoughts and actions.

P and I were chatting about the concept of the instant boyfriend on the phone as she tried to reduce my hurt over the end of the Luke situation.

It would be so much easier for P had she found out from the beginning that baby Bob's dad Tim was a complete tw*t.

We could both be with our perfect men - hopefully rich, handsome and sensitive in a rugged masculine way - on a desert island somewhere - bliss.

But mid-way through our rose-tinted discussion on the subject Portia said: "It's all right saying this - but just think if I hadn't met Tim I wouldn't have Bob. And Bob's my world."

I reflected on my own past - if I had not met Graham - my first love who I got engaged to and whose heart I broke and who broke mine astronomically in return - I would never have started on my fabulous career - which in turn would've meant I would have never meant P or Paul and Isabelle.

In fact my life would be unrecognisably different.

And in that Portia and I agreed that however tempting the idea of the 'Incredible Instant Adoring Boyfriend', in reality it would take out a huge bit of the fun of the journey.

And in the journey of life we really need the pain because without it the fun of life wouldn't stand out - like light without the dark - and monotonous fun can't be fun at all can it?

Oh and I'm maintaining custody of 'Incredible Instant Adoring Boyfriend' - but Portia will have him every second weekend...

Suze x

Share time...

I thought I'd share this little email note that has been doing the rounds - fabulous!

This is the fairy tale that we should have been reading as little girls!

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

A frog hoped into the princess' lap and said:! Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can satisfy my needs, prepare and serve my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself:

I DON'T F***ING THINK SO!!!!!

Share with all the princesses you know! It's sure to brighten their day!

Suze x

The Conversation

To tie up loose ends on the whole Luke matter.

Now we're just mates. He couldn't see my worth.

As my wise and kind friend and mentor Lisa said: "His loss. He'll regret it in time".

I'm hurt, but I'm moving on already.

That's all!

Suze x

Must try harder

First impressions are important.

So why do men, or more precisely Tush Push Johnny (Ref post Guys and Dolls in December), think that a Chinese buffet restaurant is adequate substitute for proper good Chinese which requires a reservation?

Don't get me wrong - I love buffet restaurants for lunch time value - but they are no substitute for the real deal you were promised for a first date.

On first dates guys remember:

1. Deliver what you promise

2. Buffet = cheap (especially when - like I did in this instance - the girl offers to pay half)

One word - outraged. That's all.

Suze x

Answering really hard questions...

...or perhaps not. I was interviewed by Joe Blogs - an interesting experience. The blog is quite amusing and well worth a nosy....

http://mrjoeblogs.blogspot.com/2007/01/joe-blogs-interview-on-blogspot-44.html

In denial or misinterpreted?

ISN'T at least part of the worth of a woman rooted in the person she decides to be with?


Isn't it, in fact, part of the worth of anyone to some extent?


Whilst replying to the comments on the last post I found myself a bit indignant about two of the posts - nevertheless from worthy and honest contributors - but they provoked a reaction.

As usual it triggered me into mulling mode and I did think about the comments which roughly said that I seemed to be putting my worth into a man - or indeed the man I was with.

In my defence I know I have walked away from Luke because I don't feel valued. But I know my worth - and it has never been because I have a man - I am proud of my career and my friends and the full and colourful world I have built for myself.

Now I know that these comments are honest opinions, meant with warmth, but they are just opinions. Yes they are based on the information I have put out there and I respect them in that and I have the utmost respect for the women who wrote them.

But they are only based on a narrow range of information and, although this is the information I choose to define myself by on my blog, it isn't all of me.

Thank you you guys for your comments - I do take them on board and think on - but I'm also an argumentative witch with a capital B and I hope you can forgive me for that.

I'm thinking the worth of a woman isn't in the person she chooses to be with. But it can be an indicator of how much she values herself.





Suze x

Rubies

IN my heart of hearts I can honestly say religion has never really taken in my soul, but I have always held the Bible is a great design for living.

When I was mulling over this post I remembered Proverbs 31:10-31 - Who can find a woman of worth? for her price is far above rubies.

After posting my analysis of gameplaying I decided that really things could not continue as they were with Luke. I suspected he wanted the trappings of a relationship but not the commitment - something that was confirmed when I spoke to him.

"I'm just not in a relationshippy place," he said.

My head nearly exploded off the top of my neck and I nearly screamed: "What the hell does that mean?!?" But I kept my cool and paused.

Then something occurred to me. I wasn't asking for marriage, children or a mortgage and two kids or even love right now - I was just asking for a chance of real intimacy - something I truly deserve. If I admitted now that I was able to settle for anything less I was selling myself short.

I had to ask for what I needed - even though I knew that the price would most probably be that Luke would walk away. The importance wasn't actually getting what I wanted - it was having the dignity and courage to expect it.

So I asked.

"Look," I told him. "I am a good woman, I am strong, determined, intelligent and warm. I know what I deserve and this isn't it. I've told you I like you and I've said what I need, If you can't provide it that's fine. But you only walk away from me once - there are no second chances with me.

"Decide what you want and tell me on Monday. But remember you have one chance, that's it."

So he agreed to go away and think about it. It's Friday now - he has three days 'til Monday.




I aspire to be a woman of worth - I hope I will find that someone who realises my true value.

But I refuse to sell myself for anything less than a price beyond rubies.





Suze x

Question time

Which is better for the soul?
	Love
	Shoes
	Money
	Friendship
	Pets
	Food
	Hope
Free polls from Pollhost.com

What really matters

It's a fact, it doesn't matter who we fall in love with and/or marry, have kids with, plan lives with, we women are more than likely to face the final curtain on our own.

The pre-set best before date for men is generally earlier than it is for us women, so the chance are that if we live to a ripe old age we will be doing it alone.

Well that's not entirely true - well I hope it won't be for me. Because whilst our men of choice pop their clogs and shuffle off the mortal coil our girlies will live on. And I think that is good news (the girly continuance not necessarily the process of being ex-parrots...I mean ex-men).

But really - how bad could that be? I think there could be many worse people to swear at and hold secret whisky drinking parties in the bridge room with than my bestest pals Portia and Isabelle.

In fact Portia and I have already got our orders in for mobility scooters (which baby Bob will in time pay for) and have designed the mobility scooter racetrack...

Seriously though there is an unwritten code between me and my best friends that no man will ever come between us and that friendship comes first - because really that's the best and most reliable thing we have got.

I think it is always important to remember this cruel (or not - open to debate) fact of biology when making the effort to balance out romance and friends. No matter who you are with and no matter how well you think he knows you, he can never know you or help you more than your friends.

Love yourself, love your family, love your friends - then think about loving a man.

Suze x

Gameplaying: Deviant behaviour or necessary evil?

When it comes to the complex relationship issue of gameplaying people hold the most polar of opinions on it in the same way that they do marmite or Angelina Jolie...they either love it or hate it.

On one hand some believe it is manipulative and deviant. On the other there is the camp that believes it is a necessary tool to force the hand of a party who would otherwise keep their cards close to their chests. Most men (from an exhaustive poll of about seven) believe it forms the main body of evidence in the case of blokes V evil women...

Usually I fall into the first - I'm not manipulative and think it is quite odd when people resort to relationship chess.

But now I'm in a bit of a pickle. A grand six weeks into the whole Luke phase I find myself in a quandary over the whole gameplaying issue.

The main motivators are firstly that I find Luke inscrutable, his emotions seem to lie behind a locked door, and secondly that I feel like I'm doing all the running.

Both these things ring alarm bells to me because I've never been out with a person who behaves like this - usually I seem to get swept off my feet by a wild romantic - who usually ends up wanting me to take charge in the relationship (the antithesis of the partnership I'd prefer).

It makes me think that he isn't really into me at all.

But because I think I've done all the running I'm not sure if there has been room for him to manoeuvre and express how he thinks in actions.

Now comes the game plan...

I'd already planned to go away sans Luke this weekend and we have no plans at the end of this week so I've decided to maintain radio silence and gauge the response.

Thing is - I don't know if this is a game I can win.

Suze x

Optimism

Over the last year I think I have about as much romantic success as a hedghog trying to make a two mile an hour dash across the motorway.


I'm not complaining- the lack of a man in my life has meant I've had the time and the money to do dozens of things I probably would not have done had I been shacked up with some long-time amour.


In fact I think I could have been spoilt by the luxury of solitude. I quite like my own company, or existing within a circle of friends as a lone sentient being.

Of course there are things that you miss - being close to a warm body in the dark winter nights and silly conversations you have with a person you are that close to.

But I've managed without for the best part of twelve months - managing to dodge the rogue affections of Posh Phil, Tory Boy Tony (another story for another time) and other miscreants posing as respectable members of society.

And even the whole Simon "thing" that triggered this blog (go back to my first posts for the full and frank on that whole saga) was always something remote. I think now it may have been my brain's way of trying to exercise relationshippy emotions without compimising my freedom.

I was getting to the point where I felt I couldn't really be bothered to reach out to people, and, being more scared of being hurt or committing to the wrong man than dying alone. "Down with love" was becoming a motto - the risks were too high and I was ready to pull my heart permanently off the table and stick to friendships and family.

Now though, as I decided to end the whole unofficial men embargo and try to be a bit more open to feeling by trying to not make a fool of myself with a cute young thing called Luke, I find myself doing the crazy.

I was reluctant at first - handsome devil Luke may be but I am what I am (scared) - but after a while, after he suggested we just take it slow, I find myself thinking about him alll the time.

In a rash (read drunk) moment I even sent him a text in the middle of the night to say "Hey, I think I'm really into you".

Luke didn't reply.

Crazy head went on. Spoke to him about it when he rang. Long conversation with him saying - "I'm not sure. It's all moving too fast".

I apologised. And felt like shit. Stupid shit. I'm not normally one to do such stuff - usually I'm the one batting off nutty persons and I never apologise. But this time I felt like a fool and thought I'd managed to scare him off for good.

But he didn't run. He still calls and texts and wants to be around me.

Now I'm trying to reign in the crazy and just be me. Being busy leading my own life and letting him come to me.

I'm trying to stay sensible and just let it flow and even if I manage to frighten the blighter off irreversibly, it makes me a little more optimistic - about me.

Suze x

Take your hands, not my whole life too...

When dealing with a man hands, like the scales of a fish, can be a very good indicator of what sort of a catch you've made.

Too hard and calloused, you're dealing with a man who might have too little consciousness of touch and maybe lacking somewhat in sensitivity, which can be a disaster.

But equally bad would be a man with hands that are too soft. Soft hands can mean that there is too much consciousness of touch and of self - usually spelling vanity and over-senstivity.

I find myself slightly obssessed with men's hands. Not necessarily holding of however - too problematic, hard to dodge obstacles such as lampposts, cyclists and walls - and plus it can indicate a closeness that at the moment I'm not sure I'm willing to give.

I like to look at hands and explore them, try and see what they can tell me about the owner.

Each scar, each rough patch can tell stories that some men can't even start to find the words for or even tell a story that needs no words.

Unattractive hands can be, for me, a deal breaker. Knuckles scarred from punching, stubby fingers and inappropriately dirty fingernails (working nails would be different) means my attention is likely to be cut.

At the moment I have a pair of hands undergoing inspection. They don't seem too soft and are not too rough, with long fingers and gentle.

But as previously mentioned I'm not really a hand-holding girl right now.

However that could be open for discussion...

Suze x

Tequila, it makes me happy

Fancied a change of style for the new year and having switched to the new blogger started tinkering...

Happy New Year to all and here's hoping for a bright 2007!

Suze x