Philandering man (and why every woman should have one as a friend)

EVER since I managed to get over my slight infatuation I’ve really got to know a lot more about Simon: The Man.

The first things is realising that, by his own anecdotal evidence, is that Simon is a bit of a tart who works his way through women a bit like most men get through socks.

He really falls into the male stereotype – those that can, do – and exploits his charm and humour to tame women into his arms. And he carries a philosophy that a long as he doesn’t get caught out – by his girlfriend – that no harm means no foul.

Another, which probably explains the first point, is that Simon is a man who truly loves women. By no means do I suggest that Simon is a man who falls in love easily– I think such a thing is akin to a blue moon – but a man who appreciates women in the same way that others might savour fine wine or a Cuban cigar.

A good example of this is the story Simon told us in the pub on a Friday after work. And is best told in the words of Simon (in response to the question“flippin’ heck Simon why is your hair so short?) which were:

“Well I went into the hairdressers and there was his big (suggestive hand movements, fag in hand, around his chest area) Sicilian woman, and every time she did the top and front of my hair she kept pushing up against me.”

At his point Simon mimes his head being pushed forward by giant maternal mammaries, peeking up with the cheekiest of cheeky smiles.

“Anyway,” he said again miming the lolling head, again with the grin beneath. “When she asked me if it was short enough all I could say was ‘shorter please’.”

And he finished with a knowing chuckle.

From any other man this might seem pervy. But everyone around the table knows about the nature of Simon, his one-sidedly open relationship and his honest but cheeky Carry On Camping attitude to the world so it’s ok – we all laugh. On him it’s acceptable.

The third thing you should know is that Simon knows how to compliment a woman – in a way that can really make a woman feel a million dollars.

He always pulls off a compliment with Pearl, the boss’s secretary a wife of 25 years more used to being ignored by men - managing to pick out the thing she has clearly taken the most time and effort over and making her giggle like a teenager when he mentions it.

Even with me, girl who worries about the size of her larger than hoped butt, he manages to make me feel hot - by raising his eyebrows and grinning in his saucy but cheeky way when he sees me on my way to riding in my jodhpurs.

It makes me smile – not because I want him, I don’t any more–but more because I’ve been appreciated by a connoisseur.

The philandering man.

Too dangerously non-committal to take as a lover – but this animal can be a great friend who will always make you feel good.

You’re safe as long as you remember not to cross the line…

Suze x

Kirsty Gallacher's fit sister

SOMETIMES I wonder what makes people come to my blog.

Fortunately for those who arrive here by way of Google I have the advantage that my blog counter picks up what led them here.

And they fall, primarily, into three sections: Pervy straight boys looking for something that they really won't find on my blog (ladys sixpack, skinny wrists turn off, kirsty gallagher fit sister(for note boys it's Gallacher and I believe her sister is called Joanne) and skimpy tees plus suze - but not womble porn!)

Randoms who are looking for something specific and/or a bit technical (simon suze,..remaining hair and pull it back into a high ponytail, instant adoring boyfriend(although I brought that on myself...), inkblot funny answers(my fault also) and salon utility belt.

And finally the ones which give me hope that by writing I'm managing to be part of a new movement of romantically cynical optimism, for men and women, which may start to sweep the world:

Cynical hope

Too cynical for weddings

Shrewd women

What guys think romantically

Wanting something but trying to avoid

Romantically holding hands

Singledom ring

Marriage cynical

For her price is worth far beyond rubies proverbs

Cynical optimism

Where did men go?

Epiphanic realisation

Signs of romantically interest

Romantically asking her out

And finally thanks to the person who put in -Romantically cynical

If you're one of these people who have come here because you're looking for more and have hope -whether male or female, straight or gay or bi, old or young, married or single - please leave a comment and share with me what brought you here - I'll find out from blog counter anyway - but I'd rather hear it from you,

Much love

Suze x

Ps Pervy boys i hope the above pic suffices - even if it isn't Kirsty Gallacher's fit sister...

Drag queens - the best of women and men?

I love the fact that I live in a world where drag queens exist.

They are completely unlinke any other group of people on the planet, that combines some of the most exaggerated elements of each side of the gender chasm - which they straddle, gracefully, in ridiculously high heels.

I have to say that I encounter them less frequently than I would like because, despite their generally extrovert nature, they remain a closetted part of society which only seems to uncloak itself at certain times and in certain places and rarely in my poor grey midlands town.

I also delight in challenging people's prejudices, which is why when my friend Sam and I hit the town in London one weekend, I almost shrieked with joy when the bouncer outside a hidden away bar/club said: "You do realise ladies that it's tranny night don't you?"

Sam is a funny (peculiar not ha ha) girl - she complains constantly if you let her and smiles even when she's miserable in perfect make-up - a perfect tranny fan in the making you would have thought, but no.

Which really is why I took so much pleasure, as I saw her nose wrinkle in disdain, in dragging her in.

And I'm glad I did because, after getting over the initial horror of sharing the toilets with men and mid-transsexuals, Sam loved it (even though later she would tell her mother in a sneering fashion "well it was an experience...").

I on the other hand chatted with all the girls - fascinated with their make-up tricks, accessories and custom-made shoes.

One of the more stunning ones, with a blonde bob and the most amazing breasts ever seen on a man, turned to me and gave me some advice I'll never forget.

"Why do you wear jeans honey? Because your legs are too big? Dear they'll never look any smaller in those horrendous jeans..."

Anywho as I chatted I started to wonder about the nature of drag queens, cross dressers and transsexuals. Are these colourful birds, with their exotoic plumage, the pinnacle of humanity?

With their (largely) fabulous dress sense, their entirely male lack of self-concious self deprication, and their female gentleness - are these members of a third sex the ideal mix of the best of everything?

I mean they carry themselves with no hang-ups, no need for explanation and have an eye for detail which makes them aesthetically perfect.They are perfection in every sense surely?

But then I wondered- if they have no hang-ups - why do we not see all these incandescent creatures in the day?

As I reapplied my lipstick in the toilets and grumbled at the effect in the mirror I realised that a tranny was doing the exact same thing right by me. There was also another drag queen crying in a toilet cubicle and another next to the dryer talking to her lesbian friend about how awful "Duchess" looked in her new plunge dress.

That was when the feeling of slight disappointment curled into my stomach.

Despite all appearances drag queens et al are only human - with the same frailties, viciousness and flaws - they just look better, gosh darnit.

Suze x

The all new, all singing, all dancing...men embargo!

Ta-da!

I've absolutely finally had it - and now I can officially say that I've had enough at dealing with men and all the s*&% that somehow comes along with it.

The whole Davy trifle put me off a bit - too much bother - it really is. I'm also fed up with a "relationship guru" (male) who keeps filling my inbox with rubbish that says I shouldn't expect a man to change. Instead, apparently, I should change!

With that in mind I have come to an informed decision...

So here starts the full on, one year, man embargo. I should probably elaborate with specifics though before men - gay, straight and otherwise- start berating me for being prejudiced.

I'm all for male friends, male colleagues and general males about town. But now I am no longer going to expend effort on dating them - to ask me to do otherwise is way too much.

I'm no longer going out and giving out my number to cute guys who make the request, nor will I smile and laugh at pointless jokes in a flirty way.

In point of fact I've even found a place where I can be around men, dance with men and talk to them without them letching - the local gay club. And lesbians are so less pushy and funny instead of sad.

I'm not going to set up bat for the other side - please don't misunderstand me. Men are way too pretty - to look at - but far too much trouble to become entangled with. Which is the other joy of my new favourite nitespot - men with amazing bodies who can dance - look but don't touch, which is absolutely fine with me.

The brave new world starts here...

Suze x

Summer

FOR the frst time it feels like summer.

I've been working but the Easter holiday has all the hallmarks of long sunny days and balmy nights.

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Evenings have been spent chilling with friends with beers and barbecues as mornings make for perfect running conditions.

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My reboot is going well. I'm more capable of deciding, less able to be made a mug of and generally feeling stronger.

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The Davy thing didn't go anywhere and now I've found out a little more I decided he was a chump.

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But no matter. My new plan involves not caring or freting over the course I'm going. I mean I've accepted that when I finally hit my Jane Fonda years I'll probably still be on my own, in terms of a relationship.

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But what life is to be found out there - a whole world of parties, games, friend's I'm yet to meet - if I'm going to be in a couple ever fate will point the way.

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There are some things that you only find when you're not necessarily looking - friends, situations, lovers - and you can never force these things it's just a case of waiting and seeing if it happens.

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Patience - my new by-word....

Suze x