I think it's safe to say right now I'm feeling lost.
My inner compass went haywire somewhere in the midst of the Luke thing and since then I don't think it has been working as it should.
At the moment I feel like I'm on autopilot, just functioning, but mostly without feeling. Its like I'm lost in myself and I'm not sure where I need to be looking.
I'm restless because of it. I can't get to sleep at night and I can't wake in the morning.
I think this weekend I'm going to have to give myself a break from all the things I fill my days with to distract myself and embrace it a little.
One of the things I have thought about in the quiet hours late at night is Graham, my first and - I think it is safe to say - only love. He is the only person I refer to on this blog by his real name, because I can't think of him as anyone else.
I know why I think about him - he is the only person I have ever really let in and he is the only person I have ever had to let out. He was the person who saw all my fears and embraced me and heard all my hopes and let me go.
I wish I had never let him go - but I did. All I have now is memory.
But to regret is to move backwards and to do that would drag me further into the mire.
I think what I need to do now is find my compass again, pack away memories back into the past where they belong and move on.
I've given myself enough time to wallow - I need to actively move on, grow stronger and grow better.
Suze x
My inner compass went haywire somewhere in the midst of the Luke thing and since then I don't think it has been working as it should.
At the moment I feel like I'm on autopilot, just functioning, but mostly without feeling. Its like I'm lost in myself and I'm not sure where I need to be looking.
I'm restless because of it. I can't get to sleep at night and I can't wake in the morning.
I think this weekend I'm going to have to give myself a break from all the things I fill my days with to distract myself and embrace it a little.
One of the things I have thought about in the quiet hours late at night is Graham, my first and - I think it is safe to say - only love. He is the only person I refer to on this blog by his real name, because I can't think of him as anyone else.
I know why I think about him - he is the only person I have ever really let in and he is the only person I have ever had to let out. He was the person who saw all my fears and embraced me and heard all my hopes and let me go.
I wish I had never let him go - but I did. All I have now is memory.
But to regret is to move backwards and to do that would drag me further into the mire.
I think what I need to do now is find my compass again, pack away memories back into the past where they belong and move on.
I've given myself enough time to wallow - I need to actively move on, grow stronger and grow better.
Suze x
4 comments:
Sometimes, It is helpful if you have someone with a compass by your side. A true friend that you can share your thoughts,fears and emotions with, and alot of times, they can at least tell you which way the sun is going to set. And it is always nice to wake up, knowing you do some direction, your just not too sure which way it is now...but your not alone. roxy
Suzy, what a strong post. You allowed yourself to feel all those feelings, you embraced them, you owned them, let them go, and are now moving on. AWESOME!!!!! I bet no matter where your compass leads you, you will be fine. Great post!
Beautiful, heartfelt post, Suzy. You're such an amazing writer....
Dahling, my heart goes out to you. Such a beautiful post, and so very true. I hope you find your compass, and can adjust your sleep/wake cycle soonest.
Post a Comment