Optimism

Over the last year I think I have about as much romantic success as a hedghog trying to make a two mile an hour dash across the motorway.


I'm not complaining- the lack of a man in my life has meant I've had the time and the money to do dozens of things I probably would not have done had I been shacked up with some long-time amour.


In fact I think I could have been spoilt by the luxury of solitude. I quite like my own company, or existing within a circle of friends as a lone sentient being.

Of course there are things that you miss - being close to a warm body in the dark winter nights and silly conversations you have with a person you are that close to.

But I've managed without for the best part of twelve months - managing to dodge the rogue affections of Posh Phil, Tory Boy Tony (another story for another time) and other miscreants posing as respectable members of society.

And even the whole Simon "thing" that triggered this blog (go back to my first posts for the full and frank on that whole saga) was always something remote. I think now it may have been my brain's way of trying to exercise relationshippy emotions without compimising my freedom.

I was getting to the point where I felt I couldn't really be bothered to reach out to people, and, being more scared of being hurt or committing to the wrong man than dying alone. "Down with love" was becoming a motto - the risks were too high and I was ready to pull my heart permanently off the table and stick to friendships and family.

Now though, as I decided to end the whole unofficial men embargo and try to be a bit more open to feeling by trying to not make a fool of myself with a cute young thing called Luke, I find myself doing the crazy.

I was reluctant at first - handsome devil Luke may be but I am what I am (scared) - but after a while, after he suggested we just take it slow, I find myself thinking about him alll the time.

In a rash (read drunk) moment I even sent him a text in the middle of the night to say "Hey, I think I'm really into you".

Luke didn't reply.

Crazy head went on. Spoke to him about it when he rang. Long conversation with him saying - "I'm not sure. It's all moving too fast".

I apologised. And felt like shit. Stupid shit. I'm not normally one to do such stuff - usually I'm the one batting off nutty persons and I never apologise. But this time I felt like a fool and thought I'd managed to scare him off for good.

But he didn't run. He still calls and texts and wants to be around me.

Now I'm trying to reign in the crazy and just be me. Being busy leading my own life and letting him come to me.

I'm trying to stay sensible and just let it flow and even if I manage to frighten the blighter off irreversibly, it makes me a little more optimistic - about me.

Suze x